Today I had debate man..

I woke up at 7am.. And I knew I was not going to like it, but I tried my best okay? I tried my very very best to keep an optimistic view of the situation, but it did not work out, it never, ever, ever works out for me.. I am going to use all their names, because I really want everyone to know who these people I am talking about.

When I went to debate, I was greeted by an enthusiatic Holly greeting the sec ones. She never did greet my batch as year like that. I thought she was learning from her mistakes. Unlike what I usually do, I proceeded to sit in the corner at the parents waiting zone for something to happen. Why did I do that? That is so not me man.

Then right, a teacher gave me my debate photos. I chose not to look at them. Watching Holly greet the sec ones and doll out ridiculous amounts of sickeningly bossy (how can I explain what I saw) "enthusiam", she then marched (I mean marched) up to me and demanded (And I mean demanded as well) me to go help Jie Yun in the music room. I felt this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, stared at her with all the hate I could muster up in my eyes at her. I did not think she saw it.

In the music room,my batch were just sitting there, doing nothing. It was obvious that there was nothing to be helped with. I realised what sort of request Holly had indirectly flung at me, get lost, I want to be in the spotlight. I sat down on a chair as the rest of us (just 4 including me) sat in awkward silence in the music room.

Holly came in finally with the rest of the new recruits. I really wanted to help with the new people, I didn't want them to feel the way I did when I came to debate. Lost, scared, confused, and being bossed around by this ang moh senior who thought she was mother superior. Even as I think of her now, this swirling black mass of hate is thrashing around my chest, and making me jerk irratically, and I feel so much hate for her, I want to grab her head by the hair and smash it on a sharp rock, gourging her eyeballs out of their sockets with the point of the rock first.

Grace and Jie Yun were assigned to the other team of Sec ones, Chloe's team. This team were supposed to do a mock, stress-free debate. I really really wanted to help show them the ropes.. But Melissa, another one from my batch seemed to think differently.

Melissa was so nice, so kind when we were sec ones. But what is it now, what the fuck is it now?!! Since there are two teams, the opposition and proposition, Holly made her coach one team, I wanted to help, I wanted to help okay!?! I went up to that team, and attempted to give pointers, but every single sound uttered out of my mouth amounted to a hateful glance from Melissa or and impatient wave of her hand that could only be read as shut up, let me get in the favour of them, you're stealing the limelight from me.

Then retreated, feeling so hurt.. So so so hurt.. That someone whom I thought was in the same boat as me had skipped to another huge cruiseliner. She and Holly; aka Mother Superior seemed to had a relationship.. Then as I was standing in a corner, Holly came up to me.

"Kai-Ning go buy me a drink, and do me a favour."

I had been reduced.. To a servant girl..? You should have heard the tone she said it in, a tone that put her above me, a tone that implemented I was supposed to do her errands. I was shocked, and felt very used and like a dog that served this group; my "group". I went to buy her drink, of course, and set it upon the table that had the computer on it, and took a seat on the makeshift judges table, I had nothing to do, I was not wanted in my team, and I was being made to feel I was there only for the numbers..

After some thought, I decided I was going help them whether they wanted it or not. I went up to Melissa, and stood behind to catch the flow of what she was explaining so I could back-up or further elaborate. She saw me behind her and gave me a piercing stare go away, you are not worthy of standing near me. I ignored it. I topped the level for Literature and am scoring A1s without fail for English. Am I not deemed fit to help?

Melissa was talking about 3rd speakers, and as the a main thrid speaker in my team.. "team" I mean. I felt I should explain a bit. Following up what Melissa had said, I tried to give a few personal experiences, guess what, only to be cut of by Melissa's cresendo voice, made to block out mine, and things she said like, "yeah, that's it, now moving on". She did not want me around her and I did not see why. This was the first time we had seen each other in 3 months and she had become a different person, one of them. The people who looked down on others. Why they looked down on me I knew not, but they did anyway. I felt like taking a hook and nailing it to the side of wall, then dragging Melissa face across that sharp hook so that her flesh splits and curls. Like I feel like hooking her lips and dragging her face down the wall so that her mouth upturns and the flesh from her skin peels upwards and her whole inside of her head is exposed so I can take a lighter and burn it. I will feel so.. So.. good when I do that.

All of a sudden, one of the new debaters said she was cold. Guess what, Melissa gave me a look I never thought she would give me. She gave me a stare, like what I was meant to do was obvious. Of course, your dog to the rescue, ma'am. I stared back, shocked, even if it was for split second, I felt this evergy from her that blatantly said, you dog, go do as I say, you are a lower being than me, you do as I say.

Melissa, you and I are of the same age, and I am older than you. We both go to the Express course, and I don't care if you lived in America, I see no big deal about that. I actually think you suck a lot for that. Not because you mingled with white people, I have no problems with that, but because you choose to make it such a big deal. Even if you lived there, you are still Chinese and I don't give a shit about your accent. You ever topped the class in Literature and English 2 times in a row before? You ever topped the level for Literature? No, I think not. I don't think so. What gives you the right to belittle me, what gives you the right to to tell me to run your little errands for you. Can you not go to the air con controller yourself and off it, must you give me a stare that says I'm a dog and must do it for you? MUST YOU? You stupid bitch, go to hell, go to hell where people will finally do my errands for me and torture you.

Thinking using big language is so high class and American of you huh? I know big words too, I just do not use them until it is so obvious you are trying to curry favour with others. I utter, despicably, hate you, every bit of you.

I utter, despicably hate everyone of my single debate members. Even Jie Yun who seems ready to take on her post as trainee "superior mother", I am not your dog you understand? Do NOT make me do your errands for you, do NOT treat me like your man slave, do NOT belittle me for I do not deserve it, do NOT treat me like a maid-girl, do NOT treat me like I know nothing about debating, do NOT treat me like a pushover, because I am NOT going to bloody accept it, do NOT.. I repeat, do NOT, treat me.. Like I am something that is there, so you can vent your frustrations on and push around for fun.

I hope you all go to hell, I hope you all go to hell and be tortured because I have a indivdual idea for each of you, and I will gladly tell it to whoever is gonna be in charge of you. I'm not just a dog, I am gonna show you I am not a just a little dog for you to shun and belittle.

All you bloody, shrewd, fuckers.

Thank you Averyn and Wan Shan for making my day so happy and special afterward, thank you, so, so, so much for making me laugh. I will remember it, really really remember it.

Yeah, hate post okay? GO delete, delete lah, like I fucking care. I just need them to know how much I want to kill them. Melissa is a 106 dog btw,